i’ve gotten to the point where i feel bad for my ladypart/ladygender friends when they tell me they have to go home and shave before we can go do something…they make it sound like it’s the last thing they wanna do but the first thing they have to do and i’m always like “awwwww, sucks. i’m just gonna be hairy, whatever.” and they say something like, “yeah, but i can’t do that…” no, of course your can’t. but only ‘cause you tell yourself you can’t.

i met a woman last night who legitimately tried to blame “the system” for why she never followed through with her artistic dreams and on top of that, tried to put me down for pursuing mine, telling me that the world isn’t set up for us to be utilized according to our talents or to reach our dreams and that at some point, i’ll have no choice but to be a cog in the machine because i’ll have responsibilities.

i told her flat out, i’d go live with my mom, my cousin, in haiti, any number of places where i would have support before i ditched my dream and tried to blame it on the man. she went on and on about doing it by herself and having a kid, “i made some bad decisions…” and i’m like, i dunno, i hope you don’t say that in front of your child, that he was a result of some “bad decisions” you made. that would break my fucking heart if you were my mother. she glossed that, “oh, i didn’t mean bad decisions, i mean mistakes.”

oh. so your child was a mistake.

god, my mom used to get so tired and frustrated with me, i could see it. but i wanna say this, she always told me that i was the best thing she’d ever done or made in her life. i have to thank her for that before anything else ‘cause i’d probably have packed and left at 11 if my mother had been like “oh, well, i made some bad decisions and then you came along.” wtf. funny, my mom called me today, just a few minutes ago, i think she’s still upset ‘cause i told her about what went down with nick and she’s worried. “are you sure you’re alright jess? are you sure there’s nothing you need? i have to make sure i take care of my girl, i can’t leave you hanging.” sweetness that woman. batshit crazy, but she loves her some jessica…

at that point, i realized that this gal with a kid and a squished dream…eh, i realized that i was talking to someone who had a basic difference in opinion than the one i hold when looking out at the world. and i told her that. and she kept on talking about how she’s got to go to custody court because of her bad decision and she was forced into taking a job she doesn’t like where she doesn’t feel appreciated because that’s just what grownups have to do. she’s basically telling me that “the man is keeping her down” but i’m thinking to myself as she’s rambling, the man can only keep you down if you believe the man is real. which i don’t.

i feel bad for people who believe in the man. like, really bad. that’s like believe in monsters under the bed to me. i don’t know how you sleep if the man is real to you.

but it was nice to have that talk. this woman’s doubts about herself, he doubts about me and her outlook on the world were all so defeatist and it was great because sometimes i have voices like that inside myself. hearing her say them outloud, hearing how pathetic she was making herself sound, how powerless, how lost…i don’t ever want to sound that way. i am where i am because i put myself here. not because of some drastic mistake but just because this is where i am on the path. i have goals, the fact that i haven’t achieved them yet doesn’t mean i’ve done something wrong. sometimes i get confused and i don’t know the best way to help myself. that doesn’t mean i’ve made some deep mistake. sometimes i don’t have enough to do what i need, that doesn’t mean i’ve failed at anything. these are just things that happen in a life, no matter what life. i like to have people around who criticize themselves, beat themselves up, put themselves down…because hearing someone else doing it reminds me of everything i don’t want to go back to. i just wish i knew how to help, honestly, because it looks like it hurts, to feel that way. she seemed upset with her circumstances.

i’m not doing so much better than i ever have before, i don’t have more money, i have less stuff, i don’t have a place, my plans are pretty humble and don’t stretch beyond this summer: make stuff, sell it, stay calm, go back to haiti. you know what’s different though? i love myself. i love myself so much that the shortcomings don’t bother me. i have faith in myself. i know i’m a smart girl. i know i have good ideas. i know i can make good things. i know that my friend is good, and that we work well together, and that we can support each other in our ambitions, so much so that when people talk shit (if they do, most people have been very supportive), i don’t even stress about it ‘cause i have so much faith that their opinions just bounce off. i’m rubber, you’re glue, you know?

i talked with emily some more, after i talked with ms. the-man’s-got-me-down and she was like, “i know how you feel, i refuse to do work anymore that doesn’t use my whole brain, i refuse to be treated with no respect by unhappy people” and she said that if i ever need a knitter for the clothing i wanna make, she’s down. we started making plans, i won’t tell you what ‘cause i’m so excited that i’ve become superstitious but she basically just became the knitting end of my business venture with pete, all of which is very humble and set to grow over the next 5 years, as i see it in my head. i’ve worked in small business, i’ve worked in fashion wholesale and retail, i’ve worked in sales, i’ve worked in customer service and i shop like my world is about to end. i think all of that is a good backdrop to a start up making and selling clothes. so i’m going to go for it.

but, i pledge, right here and right now: if my business venture fails, i will not blame the man.

i’m not hairy because i’m rebelling against any system. i’m hairy because i know the system is not real.

4 days agoMay 26, 2012